Menlo Park, CA - Facebook Chairman and CEO Mark Zuckerburg recently announced a new mind-control application that is scheduled to launch by the end of July 2016. The new app can be accessed by any Facebook user. Once the app is up and running, users will be directed to its location via the Facebook messages screen.
"After careful and thoughtful observation of the many human statements and interactions carried out each and every day on Facebook, we realized many people don't want the burden of thinking for themselves. The new app can access a person's DNA profile and correlate that information to determine that person's IQ, aptitudes, attitudes, and physical abilities. Based on that information, a person can easily be guided through their day without the need to actually interface with their brain. This will lead to a dramatic improvement to most people's quality of life, and this is all accomplished by a simple eye scan while the person is viewing information on Facebook," said Zuckerburg.
According to a Facebook spokesperson who spoke exclusively to the Whit Satire Report, the initial phase that includes the full eye scan will take approximately twenty minutes, after that, a five minute "booster scan" will be required every six months or so to insure the continuation of complete mind-control.
The spokesperson went on to say that the scan will in no way induce Facebook users to purchase products of services advertised on the site.
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