Apple To Release 'Phaser Stun' App

Cupertino, CA

An Apple insider told the Whit Satire Report the release of a new "Phaser Stun" application is imminent.

"We're looking at a release date of no later than the first of August.  We know this is going to be a game-changer, but we don't want to rush to market before everything is worked out," said the spokesman who wished to remain unidentified.  As you might imagine, the unidentified spokesman was well compensated for his remarks which could cost him his job if the higher-ups at Apple find out who he is.

The spokesman explained that the stun feature is modeled after the famous phaser devises used on Star Trek.  The ten point range of settings will range from a very mild shock all the way up to something akin to an all out taser gun attack.

The spokesman told us the stun application will be marketed as a deterrent to the rampant gun violence in America, but there will likely be other uses like drinking games and general horseplay among the dumber segments of the world's population.

God Has No Recollection Of Creating Donald Trump

Somewhere Above - In an exclusive interview granted to the Whit Satire Report, God commented on the oddity that is Donald J. Trump.

"I really don't have any memory of creating this guy called Trump.  I admit, around 500AD I started having some difficulty remembering each and every person I created, but I hired a crack logistics staff to keep track of everyone.  Since my staff has been in place, we've never had the first complaint from anyone about their provenance,but this Trump guy seems to be a whole new thing."

God, who appeared on Skype wearing a pure white smock with gold trim, seemed to be perturbed by the existence of Trump,

"I freely admit I've had some clunkers along the way, but it stands to reason with the sheer enormity of people I've created over the years you're gonna have a few Hitlers and Charles Mansons along the way.  But what would motivate me to create somebody with orange skin, bad hair, and very little in the brains department?"

When asked about what the future of the human race might be if Trump were elected to the presidency, God was somewhat cryptic.

"All I can say is, these things have a way of taking care of themselves."

Facebook To Launch New Mind-Control App

Menlo Park, CA - Facebook Chairman and CEO Mark Zuckerburg recently announced a new mind-control application that is scheduled to launch by the end of July 2016.  The new app can be accessed by any Facebook user.  Once the app is up and running, users will be directed to its location via the Facebook messages screen.

"After careful and thoughtful observation of the many human statements and interactions carried out each and every day on Facebook, we realized many people don't want the burden of thinking for themselves.  The new app can access a person's DNA profile and correlate that information to determine that person's IQ, aptitudes, attitudes, and physical abilities.  Based on that information, a person can easily be guided through their day without the need to actually interface with their brain.  This will lead to a dramatic improvement to most people's quality of life,  and this is all accomplished by a simple eye scan while the person is viewing information on Facebook,"  said Zuckerburg.

According to a Facebook spokesperson who spoke exclusively to the Whit Satire Report, the initial phase that includes the full eye scan will take approximately twenty minutes, after that, a five minute "booster scan" will be required every six months or so to insure the continuation of complete mind-control.

The spokesperson went on to say that the scan will in no way induce Facebook users to purchase products of services advertised on the site.

Trump To Form New Nation If He Loses General Election

New York - An insider source to the Whit Satire Report says that Donald Trump will attempt to form a new sovereign country if he loses his bid for the White House  The Donald, at an event away from the prying eyes of the media, announced he would form an entirely new and independent country if he were to lose the general election for president this November.

He told those in attendance at an opulent dinner that he felt confident he would win the presidency.  He then added that a fixed system could possibly keep him out of the White House, and if this happened to be the outcome, he would utilize several of his offshore islands to form an entirely new country.

"I gotta tell ya, I don't want to live in a country that refused to elect me its president.  We have plenty of beautiful offshore options that will be more than a little business friendly, if you know what I mean.  And we'll have the best security force on the planet - no riff-raff will raft onto the Island Nation of Trump."

He went on to deride Hillary Clinton as a "Loser" and "Even more crooked than her crooked husband," before returning to the subject of his island nation.

"We'll have the best golf courses, the best restaurants, and the standard of living will be off the charts because we'll ferry the help to another island at the end of each day."

"You know, I might just form my own country when I do win the election.  It's a win-win.  OK?"

Family Guy's Brian Griffin To Leave Show

"I've had it up to here.  We've got two shows left to tape and I'm outta here."

A clandestine Whit Satire reporter got some intriguing news and views from Family Guy's top dog.  The conversation took place at the Quahog Marriott bar.  It appeared to our intrepid reporter that Mr.  Griffith had been enjoying a range of alcoholic beverages before the conversation started.

"They tried to kill me off a few years ago and replace me with some flea-bitten dog from New Jersey.  How's that for loyalty and gratitude?

After buying Mr. Griffin a mojito, our reporter asked why he was upset enough to leave the show.

"You wanna know why I'm leaving?  I'll tell you why I'm leaving.  Peter's ego has just gone ballistic over the past two seasons.  He always thought he was a great actor, now he thinks he's Homer Simpson.  Nobody's Homer Simpson pal, Homer Simpson ain't even Homer Simpson."

Mr. Griffin excused himself to smoke a cigarette in the parking lot as he complained about the Rhode Island indoor smoking ban, "It's like living in North Korea around here."  He eventually made his way back to the bar and ordered another mojito.  "Why I couldn't get a gig on Game of Thrones is beyond me,"  he said in between gulps.

"And then there's Lois, sweet little Lois who flirts with me constantly between takes, but when I try to take it to the next level........forget about it."

"Chris and Meg are alright but man they're dumber than a fencepost.  Trying to have a conversation with them is like sticking your head in a blender."

"Quagmire and Joe are both on the road to rehab, which is perfectly understandable when you consider what they have to put up with, not to mention all the location work here in good old Qhahog.  You know what there is to do in Quahog?  You're lookin' at it buddy."

"But the real cherry on top of the sundae is that damn baby.  The first thing is, he's not even a baby, Stewie is actually a little person in his mid-forties.  We had to sign contracts swearing we wouldn't tell how old he is.  The second thing, he controls everything.  He constantly fights with McFarlane about everything - the script, the lighting, the characters - he even gets to set the time we do tapings and voice-overs.  You haven't lived till you try to do a voice-over at two in the morning after a half bottle of Jack.  The third and worst is, he gets paid twice as much as the rest of the, uh, the rest of the, uh, cast.  Hey, you think you could spot me another mo......"

At this point in the conversation, Mr. Griffith stared into space for several minutes before his snout slammed into the top of the bar.

NRA Considering New Slogans

In an effort to improve its public relations profile, the National Rifle Association is considering adding a new slogan that would appear alongside the NRA logo.  A spokesman for the NRA said the move has nothing to do with the recent mass-shooting in Orlando.

Slogan considerations include;

'Stay In Your Basement'

'Stay In Your Closet If You Don't Have A Basement'

'Don't Look At Anybody Weird'

'Concealed Carry Is Way Cool'

'You Can Kill Someone With A Hammer Just As Easy As You Can With An Assault Rifle If The Assault Rifle Is Not Loaded And It's Way Easy If The Guy You're Trying To Kill Has His Back Turned To You'

'Combat Global Warming, Buy A Gun'

Hillary: 'Yes, My Hands Are Bigger Than Trump's'

Skaneateles, NY - A trusted source told the Whit Satire Report that Hillary Clinton attended a private luncheon at a friends home on Skaneateles Lake in the Finger Lakes region of New York.  At the luncheon, Hillary told her gal pals in attendance that she would have no problem handling Donald Trump in the upcoming presidential campaign.

After a couple of glasses of Riesling, supplied by an area winery, she announced she did indeed have larger hands than Trump.

"Like every bully that's ever been born, once you fight back, they fold like an accordion.  This guy is such a wimp I'm surprised his latest wife hasn't put him in his place.  As I'm sure everyone here knows, there's a certain leader of the free world I had to deal with in a harsh manner when he started to stray off narrow path of marital fidelity.  Let me assure you, Bill is ten times the man Trump will ever be.  And any male leader of any country in any part of this world needs to realize this girl ain't gonna back down from anybody. and that includes a certain guy named Putin."

When informed of these comments, Trump shrugged and said, "All my wives and girlfriends are prettier than crooked Hillary,  OK?"

GOP Contacts New Jersey Mafia To 'Scare' Trump

Washington, D.C. - A reliable source told the Whit Satire Report the Republican Party contacted at least two crime bosses in the Newark, New Jersey area concerning the presumptive Republican nominee for president, Donald J. Trump.  The meeting, reportedly held in a private area at the Newark International Airport, took place only days after Trump secured enough delegates for nomination.  At least three high-ranking members within the Republican Party asked the mafia leaders to "scare" Trump out of the race for the presidency.

The source said the GOP is getting increasingly anxious about the possibility of Trump actually making it to the White House where his reckless nature could lead to a number of catastrophic events of a domestic or international nature.  The source, who attended the airport meeting, also said the Republican leaders emphasized they didn't want any actual violence against Trump, but they didn't rule out the tactic of menacing threats of violence toward Trump with the intention of diverting him from presidential office.

Kardashian Family Controls Majority Of The World Through Mind Control

According to an articles in Inside TV,  the female members of the Kardashian family all have genius level IQs and quietly affect much of the world's population through very sophisticated mind-control techniques on their show Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

The author of the article, Will Trumbley, gained unprecedented access to the behind the scenes aspects of the show by gaining employment as a crew member.  "The men are dumber than a box of rocks, but those girls and Momma Kris are off the charts brainy.  I've seen them play games that involve solving complicated calculus problems without using anything more than a pencil and a piece of paper, and most of the time they just figure them out in their heads.  They have daily meetings about current affairs and regularly contact world leaders with suggestions on the economy, race relations, religion, and  avoidance of war.  They also brainstorm about linking certain words and phrases together for the show to influence the behavior of their devoted television audience.  Most of this is done to increase audience members desire for products from companies that sponsor the show, but there are some higher-minded things like world peace and cultural harmony they put out there on each and every show."

The Kardashian family and  producers of the show were unavailable for comment.  

Internet Overlords Angered By Associated Press

New York - The recent Associated Press announcement that the word Internet would no longer be capitalized in AP articles was met with anger by The Internet Overlords.  Digitus Maximus, Lord of The Internet Overlords, reacted to the announcement by condemning those considered a threat to the supremacy of the Internet.

 Maximus, speaking from an undisclosed corner of the universe, said, "Those who attempt any action detrimental to the proper functioning and respect of the Internet will be dealt with swiftly and without mercy."

Attempts to contact the Associated Press were unsuccessful due to a mysterious technical problem within the AP's communications system.

NASCAR To Pay People To Attend Races

Charlotte, NC - After suffering declining ticket sales over the past decade, NASCAR is set to implement a plan to pay people to attend their races.  The plan involves giving attendees tickets at entrance gates which can be scanned at various kiosks around the racetrack.  The optical sensor in the kiosk will encode the ticket with the time of the scanning, if the ticket is scanned once the race is over and the awards ceremony has taken place, the ticket holder can access the NASCAR website to be reimbursed via Paypal.  Reimbursement prices have not been made public but will likely range between fifty and two-hundred dollars depending on the track and seat location.

NASCAR spokesman Billy Bob Throckmire stated, "We've come to realize just how boring our races can be and we thought a little monetary incentive might get some butts back in the seats."

Some races, like the iconic Daytona 500, will likely be exempt from the payment plan.

Talks are ongoing to determine the viability of offering attendees vouchers for free beer at some racetracks.

Study: Bourbon Drinkers Who Drink More Get Drunker

Bardstown, KY - A study conducted by the Kentucky Bourbon Beverage Institute revealed that the amount of bourbon ingested is directly linked to how inebriated a person becomes.  Five men of similar weight and drinking habits drank different amounts of bourbon ever a three hour period.  The lowest amount imbibed was two ounces while the highest amount was ten ounces with two ounce increments between participants.  All the test bourbon was the same brand of eighty proof (forty percent alcohol by volume) and was served neat (no water, ice or mixer) in two ounce shot glasses.

When asked at the end of the three hours if they felt drunk, none of the participants replied in the affirmative.  The results of a question period involving pictures of men and women that the participants were asked to rate in attractiveness was not available by request of the participants.  Finally, the results of breathalyser tests administered during and after the three hour period were not made public by request of the Kentucky Bourbon Beverage Institute.

Brad Pennington Worthington, spokesman for KBBI, witnessed the study in its entirety and said, "This study definitively reveals that there's a high probability of becoming drunker when bourbon consumption is increased over a three hour period.  That guy that drank the five shots was just off the charts."

It's likely this ground-breaking study will be repeated across the industry to determine if liquors like vodka, tequila, and rum have the same potential effects on consumers.

Hillary Says She's Only Half As Crazy As Trump

San Diego - In a major foreign policy speech, Hillary Clinton attempted to highlight the contrast between her and Donald Trump in the area of foreign relations.

"Like everyone else, I have my bad days when I'm just mad at the world, but let me assure everyone, on my worst day I'm still twice as good as Donald Trump.  In other words, I'm at least half as crazy as my opponent."

She went on to give some examples of her expertise when dealing with issues involving foreign countries.

"Thanks to my extensive experience in government service, I know a lot about foreign cultures and their leaders.  Do you think Donald Trump knows the cute nicknames of all the G8 leaders, or the best restaurants in Sweden?  I don't think so.  And he also has no clue as to which leaders like to blow of some steam with a nice game of beer pong after a long meeting."

She concluded by encouraging voters to consider the gravity of the upcoming election.

"When you head to the ballot box , think of me as, Hillary - The Less Crazy Alternative."

Rush Limbaugh Says Humans Were Created To Play Football

Expanding on his belief that there's no such thing as evolution because there are still apes and monkeys in existence, Rush Limbaugh recently claimed that human beings were created to participate in sporting activities.

"Have you ever seen an ape play football or a lizard play soccer," he asked no one in particular when playing golf with some rich white guys.

He went on to elaborate on the importance of sports in human culture.

"I mean, where would we be without the NFL?  It's the single greatest accomplishment man has come up with so far."

After a string of bad shots, he vented with some more of his patented common sense.

"Have you ever seen a monkey take his kids to a baseball game?"  Have you ever seen a chimpanzee buy a beer or a football jersey?"

Between bites of a Trump steak at the nineteenth hole, he continued his tirade.

"I just cannot understand how people can be so stupid about something so simple."