Trump Taps Boris Johnson For Running Mate

Newark, NJ

In an exclusive interview, Donald Trump told the Whit Satire Report he plans to name former London mayor Boris Johnson as his running mate for the 2016 general election.

"You know, Trump could wait till the convention to name his selection for vice-president, but that's just not Trump.  Trump does things the Trump way, not the everybody else wrong way," the presumptive republican nominee told Whit Satire.

"I met with Boris the other day, and I gotta tell you, he's the kind of guy Trump likes; he's got bad hair, a kind of bad complexion, and a Trump kind of outlook on life, which means he's got the right stuff to be Trump's guy who has to do all the silly stuff that come with being vice-president of these glorious United States.  Oh yeah, he's yuge too.  He makes me look pretty trim when I stand next to him."

When asked about the implications of choosing a foreigner for his running mate, Trump was dismissive.

"Look, he was a big part of taking his country back from a bunch of nasty European socialists.  That's what we need in this country, somebody who's not afraid to stand up to a bunch of sissy democrats who think they don't want the elites to run the country the way it should be run.  I don't care if the guy was born on Neptune, he's what we need."

Kentucky's John Calipari Actively Recruiting Gleam In Eye Of Karl - Anthony Towns

The Whit Satire Report has learned that University of Kentucky head basketball coach John Calipari is close to offering a scholarship to the future male offspring of former Kentucky standout Karl -  Anthony Towns.  The two recently met at the NBA draft selection in Brooklyn, New York.

"You know, the guy's kinda crazy.  He took one look at me and said something like, you're thinking about having a kid aren't you?  I told him straight up I didn't have any plans at all concerning children,but he just grinned and told me he might be able to get my firstborn son a scholarship at Kentucky,"  Mr. Towns said.

This is a continuation of major college basketball programs offering scholarships to ever younger players.  Kentucky and other colleges have already offered the 11 year-old son of Lebron James a basketball scholarship.

Mr. Towns went on to say, "I asked coach if he didn't think offering a scholarship to a potential child of mine was maybe a bit premature and he said Kentucky couldn't afford to sit back and relax when it came to recruiting new talent."

Apple To Release 'Phaser Stun' App

Cupertino, CA

An Apple insider told the Whit Satire Report the release of a new "Phaser Stun" application is imminent.

"We're looking at a release date of no later than the first of August.  We know this is going to be a game-changer, but we don't want to rush to market before everything is worked out," said the spokesman who wished to remain unidentified.  As you might imagine, the unidentified spokesman was well compensated for his remarks which could cost him his job if the higher-ups at Apple find out who he is.

The spokesman explained that the stun feature is modeled after the famous phaser devises used on Star Trek.  The ten point range of settings will range from a very mild shock all the way up to something akin to an all out taser gun attack.

The spokesman told us the stun application will be marketed as a deterrent to the rampant gun violence in America, but there will likely be other uses like drinking games and general horseplay among the dumber segments of the world's population.

God Has No Recollection Of Creating Donald Trump

Somewhere Above - In an exclusive interview granted to the Whit Satire Report, God commented on the oddity that is Donald J. Trump.

"I really don't have any memory of creating this guy called Trump.  I admit, around 500AD I started having some difficulty remembering each and every person I created, but I hired a crack logistics staff to keep track of everyone.  Since my staff has been in place, we've never had the first complaint from anyone about their provenance,but this Trump guy seems to be a whole new thing."

God, who appeared on Skype wearing a pure white smock with gold trim, seemed to be perturbed by the existence of Trump,

"I freely admit I've had some clunkers along the way, but it stands to reason with the sheer enormity of people I've created over the years you're gonna have a few Hitlers and Charles Mansons along the way.  But what would motivate me to create somebody with orange skin, bad hair, and very little in the brains department?"

When asked about what the future of the human race might be if Trump were elected to the presidency, God was somewhat cryptic.

"All I can say is, these things have a way of taking care of themselves."

Facebook To Launch New Mind-Control App

Menlo Park, CA - Facebook Chairman and CEO Mark Zuckerburg recently announced a new mind-control application that is scheduled to launch by the end of July 2016.  The new app can be accessed by any Facebook user.  Once the app is up and running, users will be directed to its location via the Facebook messages screen.

"After careful and thoughtful observation of the many human statements and interactions carried out each and every day on Facebook, we realized many people don't want the burden of thinking for themselves.  The new app can access a person's DNA profile and correlate that information to determine that person's IQ, aptitudes, attitudes, and physical abilities.  Based on that information, a person can easily be guided through their day without the need to actually interface with their brain.  This will lead to a dramatic improvement to most people's quality of life,  and this is all accomplished by a simple eye scan while the person is viewing information on Facebook,"  said Zuckerburg.

According to a Facebook spokesperson who spoke exclusively to the Whit Satire Report, the initial phase that includes the full eye scan will take approximately twenty minutes, after that, a five minute "booster scan" will be required every six months or so to insure the continuation of complete mind-control.

The spokesperson went on to say that the scan will in no way induce Facebook users to purchase products of services advertised on the site.

Trump To Form New Nation If He Loses General Election

New York - An insider source to the Whit Satire Report says that Donald Trump will attempt to form a new sovereign country if he loses his bid for the White House  The Donald, at an event away from the prying eyes of the media, announced he would form an entirely new and independent country if he were to lose the general election for president this November.

He told those in attendance at an opulent dinner that he felt confident he would win the presidency.  He then added that a fixed system could possibly keep him out of the White House, and if this happened to be the outcome, he would utilize several of his offshore islands to form an entirely new country.

"I gotta tell ya, I don't want to live in a country that refused to elect me its president.  We have plenty of beautiful offshore options that will be more than a little business friendly, if you know what I mean.  And we'll have the best security force on the planet - no riff-raff will raft onto the Island Nation of Trump."

He went on to deride Hillary Clinton as a "Loser" and "Even more crooked than her crooked husband," before returning to the subject of his island nation.

"We'll have the best golf courses, the best restaurants, and the standard of living will be off the charts because we'll ferry the help to another island at the end of each day."

"You know, I might just form my own country when I do win the election.  It's a win-win.  OK?"

Family Guy's Brian Griffin To Leave Show

"I've had it up to here.  We've got two shows left to tape and I'm outta here."

A clandestine Whit Satire reporter got some intriguing news and views from Family Guy's top dog.  The conversation took place at the Quahog Marriott bar.  It appeared to our intrepid reporter that Mr.  Griffith had been enjoying a range of alcoholic beverages before the conversation started.

"They tried to kill me off a few years ago and replace me with some flea-bitten dog from New Jersey.  How's that for loyalty and gratitude?

After buying Mr. Griffin a mojito, our reporter asked why he was upset enough to leave the show.

"You wanna know why I'm leaving?  I'll tell you why I'm leaving.  Peter's ego has just gone ballistic over the past two seasons.  He always thought he was a great actor, now he thinks he's Homer Simpson.  Nobody's Homer Simpson pal, Homer Simpson ain't even Homer Simpson."

Mr. Griffin excused himself to smoke a cigarette in the parking lot as he complained about the Rhode Island indoor smoking ban, "It's like living in North Korea around here."  He eventually made his way back to the bar and ordered another mojito.  "Why I couldn't get a gig on Game of Thrones is beyond me,"  he said in between gulps.

"And then there's Lois, sweet little Lois who flirts with me constantly between takes, but when I try to take it to the next level........forget about it."

"Chris and Meg are alright but man they're dumber than a fencepost.  Trying to have a conversation with them is like sticking your head in a blender."

"Quagmire and Joe are both on the road to rehab, which is perfectly understandable when you consider what they have to put up with, not to mention all the location work here in good old Qhahog.  You know what there is to do in Quahog?  You're lookin' at it buddy."

"But the real cherry on top of the sundae is that damn baby.  The first thing is, he's not even a baby, Stewie is actually a little person in his mid-forties.  We had to sign contracts swearing we wouldn't tell how old he is.  The second thing, he controls everything.  He constantly fights with McFarlane about everything - the script, the lighting, the characters - he even gets to set the time we do tapings and voice-overs.  You haven't lived till you try to do a voice-over at two in the morning after a half bottle of Jack.  The third and worst is, he gets paid twice as much as the rest of the, uh, the rest of the, uh, cast.  Hey, you think you could spot me another mo......"

At this point in the conversation, Mr. Griffith stared into space for several minutes before his snout slammed into the top of the bar.