Shady Lick, KY
Bill Nye "The Science Guy" is looking into developing a theme park based on the evolution of life on Earth.
"I think it's doable, I've been talking to quite a few corporate guys who seem very interested in it," said Nye on a recent July afternoon in Kentucky.
"I just took a film crew to that ridiculous ark thing up the road and I gotta tell you, the premise is total BS, but the workmanship on that huge boat is out of this world. I'm hoping to find some land close to Highway 75 somewhere between the ark and the Creation Museum up in Petersburg. I think people should have a choice of destinations explaining how we got here as they travel this great state, and I think we can make a first-rate indoor-outdoor park too."
The Ark Encounter is a replica of Noah's Ark from the Old Testament and was based on measurements from the Bible. The Creation Museum depicts the concept of the universe as a creation of God some 6000 years ago.
Sunday, July 10, 2016
Friday, July 8, 2016
Group Proposes 'Parting of the Seas' Attraction on Kentucky River
Lexington, KY
A group called the Old Testament Testifiers is initiating a crowd-funding campaign to finance an attraction on the Kentucky that will create a temporary parting of the water on the Kentucky River. The proposed attraction will allow people to walk or drive from one side of the river to the other. The parting of the water is an attempt to replicate, on a smaller scale, the parting of the sea by Moses in the Old Testament.
"We've got the Ark and the Creation Museum right here in Kentucky, we think it's a great time to add the parting waters and put Kentucky right at the top of the religious states in America," said Old Testament Testifiers spokesman Billy Bob Bobson. "We've got to keep that old devil on the run before he goes and takes over everything in our country."
The group is presently scouting for areas of the Kentucky River that will be accommodate the ambitious project. Topography requirements include gently sloping banks on both sides of the waterway and close access to an existing road to allow vehicles to divert to the parted area.
"We just think it's a great idea," said Bobson. "Who wouldn't want to drive or walk in between parted waters?"
Bobson wasn't forthcoming with details of how the water would actually be parted.
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
NASA Discovers Juno Orbiting Above Jupiter, Florida - Not Planet Jupiter
Pasadena, CA
"Talk about embarrassing."
That was the comment from a NASA employee at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory who wished to remain anonymous.
"I don't know how this could have happened," said the employee. "Our probes are extremely sophisticated, but I don't see how Juno could have mislead all of us for five years while it was supposed to be on its way to Jupiter."
The spokesman paused for several minutes as he scratched his head while looking down at the floor.
"You know, I don't think we can rule out the possibility of hacking from somewhere like North Korea or China......or by some twelve year-old kid with a laptop and too much time on his or her hands. At any rate, it appears we won't be getting any new information about Jupiter the planet."
The Jupiter, Florida chamber of commerce playing up the orbiting space probe as a tourist attraction and planning a promotional campaign based on the extraordinary sight of the technologically advanced craft orbiting about 1500 feet above the town.
Calls to the NASA director's office were not returned.
"Talk about embarrassing."
That was the comment from a NASA employee at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory who wished to remain anonymous.
"I don't know how this could have happened," said the employee. "Our probes are extremely sophisticated, but I don't see how Juno could have mislead all of us for five years while it was supposed to be on its way to Jupiter."
The spokesman paused for several minutes as he scratched his head while looking down at the floor.
"You know, I don't think we can rule out the possibility of hacking from somewhere like North Korea or China......or by some twelve year-old kid with a laptop and too much time on his or her hands. At any rate, it appears we won't be getting any new information about Jupiter the planet."
The Jupiter, Florida chamber of commerce playing up the orbiting space probe as a tourist attraction and planning a promotional campaign based on the extraordinary sight of the technologically advanced craft orbiting about 1500 feet above the town.
Calls to the NASA director's office were not returned.
Trunk Monkey To Come Standard On Select 2018 Dodge Models
The Trunk Monkey Is making a big comeback. After being discontinued as a vehicle option since 2012, Dodge is bringing it back as an option for select models and as standard equipment for the Durango, Charger, and Challenger models starting in 2018. The Trunk Monkey will also be offered as an option on the remainder of Dodge's model line. The option price has yet to be determined, but a Dodge spokeman told the Whit Satire Report it will likely fall in the $3500 to $5000 range making it the most expensive option in Dodge's history.
"We brought back the Trunk Monkey as a response to the incredible groundswell of requests, especially from customers who had the option on their pre-2012 model Dodge vehicles," said the spokesman. "They told us the Trunk Monkey just can't be beat when it comes to security, mechanical assistance, and companionship."
Dodge will start airing television commercials in the spring of 2017 to promote the re-launch of the Trunk Monkey.
"We brought back the Trunk Monkey as a response to the incredible groundswell of requests, especially from customers who had the option on their pre-2012 model Dodge vehicles," said the spokesman. "They told us the Trunk Monkey just can't be beat when it comes to security, mechanical assistance, and companionship."
Dodge will start airing television commercials in the spring of 2017 to promote the re-launch of the Trunk Monkey.
Sunday, July 3, 2016
Calipari To Be Appointed "Kentucky Sports Tsar" Upon Coaching Retirement
Lexington, KY
The Whit Satire Report recently learned that University of Kentucky Head Basketball Coach John Calipari will be appointed "Director of Sports Marketing for The Commonwealth of Kentucky" upon his retirement from coaching.
A source, who wishes to remain anonymous, told Whit Satire that the only stipulation is Calipari will remain Kentucky's basketball coach for no fewer that fifteen years before retiring.
"People in Kentucky are so paranoid about Cal going back to the NBA or another college they'll do just about anything to keep him around," said the source. "I don't know what kind of compensation package he's going to end up with, but I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't get offered somewhere in the mid-six figure range to basically show up for some UK home basketball games and have his picture taken with some politicians and fans from time to time."
The source went on to tell us that this position had first been proposed back in former governor Steve Beshear's administration and it gained enough traction to be approved by current governor Matt Bevin.
"I'm sure Bevin will roll this out around re-election time. He's likely going to need all the help he can get to stay in office," said the source as he rolled his eyes.
The Whit Satire Report recently learned that University of Kentucky Head Basketball Coach John Calipari will be appointed "Director of Sports Marketing for The Commonwealth of Kentucky" upon his retirement from coaching.
A source, who wishes to remain anonymous, told Whit Satire that the only stipulation is Calipari will remain Kentucky's basketball coach for no fewer that fifteen years before retiring.
"People in Kentucky are so paranoid about Cal going back to the NBA or another college they'll do just about anything to keep him around," said the source. "I don't know what kind of compensation package he's going to end up with, but I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't get offered somewhere in the mid-six figure range to basically show up for some UK home basketball games and have his picture taken with some politicians and fans from time to time."
The source went on to tell us that this position had first been proposed back in former governor Steve Beshear's administration and it gained enough traction to be approved by current governor Matt Bevin.
"I'm sure Bevin will roll this out around re-election time. He's likely going to need all the help he can get to stay in office," said the source as he rolled his eyes.
Saturday, July 2, 2016
Breakdown of Christian Laettner's 14 Million Dollar Debt
Charlotte, NC
Creditors of former Duke basketball standout Christian Laettner recently revealed he's in debt to the tune of 14 million smackers. The Whit Satire Report obtained a breakdown of the expenses Mr. Laettner amassed over the past decade that ended up comprising the staggering debt amount.
1. 100,000 Christian Laettner Duke Basketball Jerseys
2. 100,000 Christian Laettner Duke Basketball Sweatshirts
3. 100,000 Christian Laettner Signed Promotional Photographs
4. 50,000 Items Ordered From The McDonald's Dollar Menu
5. 50,000 Copies of Sports Illustrated With Articles Mentioning Christian Laettner
6. 10,000 Pacifiers With Duke Logo
7. 5,000 Signed Promotional Photographs of Coach K
8. 3,000 Copies of Vanity Press Autobiographies
9. 10 Fiat 500 Automobiles in Duke Blue
10. 5 Fluffy Teddy Bears Dressed In Duke Logo Sweatshirts
Creditors of former Duke basketball standout Christian Laettner recently revealed he's in debt to the tune of 14 million smackers. The Whit Satire Report obtained a breakdown of the expenses Mr. Laettner amassed over the past decade that ended up comprising the staggering debt amount.
1. 100,000 Christian Laettner Duke Basketball Jerseys
2. 100,000 Christian Laettner Duke Basketball Sweatshirts
3. 100,000 Christian Laettner Signed Promotional Photographs
4. 50,000 Items Ordered From The McDonald's Dollar Menu
5. 50,000 Copies of Sports Illustrated With Articles Mentioning Christian Laettner
6. 10,000 Pacifiers With Duke Logo
7. 5,000 Signed Promotional Photographs of Coach K
8. 3,000 Copies of Vanity Press Autobiographies
9. 10 Fiat 500 Automobiles in Duke Blue
10. 5 Fluffy Teddy Bears Dressed In Duke Logo Sweatshirts
Rio To Add 'Assault With Deadly Weapon' Event To 2016 Olympic Games
Rio De Janeiro
Due to the prevailing gun violence in and around Rio, the 2016 Olympic Committee has decided to add the first ever 'Assault With a Deadly Weapon' event to the roster of activities associated with the 2016 Olympic Games.
A spokesman for the committee told the Whit Satire Report the event was added at the last minute because of all the world-class gun violence taking place around the city.
"We came to realize what a shame it would be if we didn't highlight the talented gun-handlers, rogues, and thieves who call this part of the world home," said the spokesman who wished to remain unidentified. "Of course, we'll bring in top-notch violent criminals from around the world to give the local thugs a run for their money. We've been in contact with the local and international beer and liquor sponsors who thought it was a great idea to add some legitimate gun violence to the Olympics."
The qualifying events will be held in alleyways and vacant buildings around the city with the culminating championship rounds held in the Olympic stadium on the final day of competition.
Due to the prevailing gun violence in and around Rio, the 2016 Olympic Committee has decided to add the first ever 'Assault With a Deadly Weapon' event to the roster of activities associated with the 2016 Olympic Games.
A spokesman for the committee told the Whit Satire Report the event was added at the last minute because of all the world-class gun violence taking place around the city.
"We came to realize what a shame it would be if we didn't highlight the talented gun-handlers, rogues, and thieves who call this part of the world home," said the spokesman who wished to remain unidentified. "Of course, we'll bring in top-notch violent criminals from around the world to give the local thugs a run for their money. We've been in contact with the local and international beer and liquor sponsors who thought it was a great idea to add some legitimate gun violence to the Olympics."
The qualifying events will be held in alleyways and vacant buildings around the city with the culminating championship rounds held in the Olympic stadium on the final day of competition.
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